Category Archives: Getting Shit Off My Chest

Ten Years Ago

Ten years ago, she saw what happened. For the last ten years, she knew what was happening. She did nothing. I’m not upset anymore. I’m actually happy. I’m happy that I won’t have to see somebody who was a passive spectator to cruelty. I’m happy that I won’t have to see somebody who contributed to an amount of anger where I have to fight the constant urge to hurt or kill others. And I’m certainly happy that I won’t have to fight the urge to let my anger out on somebody with no excuse for inaction.

I’m not upset anymore, because I feel fucking homicidal.

I’ll be brutally honest. This year, my mom died. Terminal cancer which she found out about in December. She died a few months later. Among those who were alive when that happened was my grandmother. My mom’s mom.

So, a few weeks ago, a few months after my mom’s funeral, we had my mom’s burial in a small town in Canada. My mom had grown up in the area, and had family there, most notably, my grandma. My sister and I had a private ceremony a few hours before everybody else. During the private ceremony, we buried the urn with my mom’s ashes. This upset a few people, once again, notably, my grandma.

After the funeral, we went down to the town hall, had a lunch, and so forth. When I wanted to leave there, I said told her I was leaving, to which she replied that she wanted to talk to me.

About ten hours later, around midnight, I recalled that she wanted to talk to me, so I walked from my uncle’s place to hers. I put up with her upset at what she regarded as problems with the burial related to what my sister and I had done, specifically that we

  • disregarded her wishes, as well as those of my mom’s sisters and my mom herself
  • buried her without any blessings having been performed (excluding those at the funeral, which my grandma had attended)
  • having agreed to not bury my mom’s urn (due to having stated that doing so was agreeable, a point of disagreement based on the definition of the word and differences between how we use it)

While going over that for about two hours with my aunt (one of my mom’s sisters), one thing stood out. I joked about it at first, but I kept thinking about it. This is now two or three weeks after the events I’m describing occurred, so I’ll state that its to the best of my memory. She described something that occurred ten years ago. From the details she provided, it was winter. What she stated was to the effect that her and my grandpa were visiting for a bit, and I was having difficulty finding my mitts or gloves. My mom said to not be late. What she described my dad doing, is the reason for the first paragraph. She described him as shaking me roughly and saying something along the lines of

“don’t screw up you little bastard.”

Now, to her credit, she did say she was upset and wanted to hit my dad when she saw that.  But thats it. She saw something that was far too common, that everybody in that house experienced. And she did nothing. A passive spectator to cruelty. She knew what was going on for ten years. She saw what was going on. And she did nothing.

So with problems such as those described, not to mention outliving a daughter to cancer, a disease which my grandmother has seen a number of people die from, you can guess that there were a few issues between us.

Despite all of the problems between my grandma and my sister and I, we decided we’d see our grandma before we left town to say goodbye. When we did, she was still understandably upset, however, she said

I don’t care if I don’t ever see you two again.

She may be upset that she said that, and wished she hadn’t said that afterwards. However, such sentiments describe how I feel about her. It doesn’t bother me if I never see her again. I don’t have enough respect for somebody who had enough cowardice to be a passive spectator to cruelty, especially when that cruelty was also directed at her daughter, to want to see them again. Burying her ashes early may have been against my mom’s wishes (unrecorded as they are), but I doubt any of my mom’s wishes included somebody who did nothing in the face of harm to her being her mother.

 

I’ve got my own problems relating to her knowing about what happened. At the best of times, I can make myself appear calm, mimic the signs most people show when happy, if I’m not actually somewhat happy myself. At the worst, I try to keep myself away from others because I can’t control my anger. The rest of the time, I’m merely content to control the urge to harm or kill others to such a degree that I appear normal. I normally appear strong, as though what is going on isn’t getting to me. It does, just not as much as anger, so I can control that with comparable ease. That is the product of the strain I went through. I have no problem with being easy on the one who did it, as, for the most part, I don’t see him very often, and don’t have reason to suspect that he was entirely in control whenever it occurred (the possibility of some mental issues). But despite that, some good has come out of it (although not through the best means of doing so). The paranoia I’ve lived with as a result is controlled through skepticism, something which I’ve attempted to use quite a lot while writing, as I would hope is evident here.  So I can live with what my grandma permitted to happen to me. Despite the amount of anger I have to control, I can even ignore it to some extent. However, I cannot ignore what she ended up doing to my mom and sister as a result. And for that, I don’t think I’d want to see her again. If she should read this, I’ll be brutally honest, and perhaps a bit petty.

You’re eighty one years old. At best, you have another ten years. I do regret not having taken into consideration the desires of your daughters. But knowing what you permitted to happen to mom by means of inaction, I don’t regret failing to take into consideration your desires. To the contrary. I hope you live another ten years. And I hope my actions hurt you, as much as your inaction hurt your daughter.

To anybody else reading this, I’ve attempted to provide as much detail for the basis of actions and statements made by those mentioned so as to avoid attempting to make anybody look great or horrible, while attempting to present something from which to consider for what has happened. I acknowledge that I may be unaware of a few of the factors behind some of the actions done and statements made. However, to the best of my ability, this expresses what I think.  I have no problem with saying I may have be cruel with some of the statements made.